Anyone who has been within 30 yards of a middle-school aged
boy[1]
can tell you that there is a growing consensus of who is the greatest fighter
in human history: Charles Ray Norris.
Through a series of hyperbolic jokes, he is now perceived to be a
demigod to the internet goers of today.
And I am
here to tell you… that there are plenty of great fighters from throughout the
history of the world who deserve just as much, if not more, adulation as a
fighter as Chuck Norris. So I’ve chosen 5
of history’s most resilient and aggressive warriors to challenge Chuck Norris
to 10 wrestling matches each. I will be
testing their grappling abilities on the following criteria:
1. Do
they have more, less or equal experience in grappling?
2. Do
they come from a culture where wrestling is of great significance?
3. What
is their physique, and how would that contribute to the match?
4. What
personal feats of strength or endurance have they accomplished?
5. How
does their style of wrestling play into the match?
5) Dan Gable Undefeated U.S. Wrestler
Dan Gable
may not be the most famous wrestler outside the Hawkeye State (wrestled at Iowa
State, coached at University of Iowa), he is arguably the best to ever wrestle
in the Olympics. In his collegiate
career, he had a record of 181 wins, one loss and no ties. He only participated in one Olympic Games in
1972, where he won the Gold medal. But
it doesn’t stop there. At that same
Olympic Games, he didn’t surrender any points whatsoever. He shut everyone
out. That means that he was never taken
down, he never allowed a downed wrestler to recover to their feet and committed
no penalties. And he did all of that
against the world’s best wrestlers of 1972, a time where the Soviet Union
fielded one hell of a wrestling team
every year.
It goes
without saying that Dan Gable has far more experience in grappling than
Norris. Both Gable and Norris come from
the same wrestling culture of the U.S., which I believe influenced them
equally. Dan Gable was slightly smaller
(5’8”, 150 lbs.) than Norris (5’8”, 170 pounds), which would allow both
wrestlers to fight against opponents of similar size, with Norris having a
weight advantage. Both are extremely
accomplished fighters. However, most of
Norris’ biggest martial arts victories were achieved in Karate
tournaments. Norris was more than
competent in grappling (Black Belts in Judo and Brazilian Jujitsu as well as
his self-invented martial art “Chun Kuk Do”, which involves grappling). However, Olympic athletes are probably all
“black belts” by several degrees in each of their respective sports. Not only does Gable belong to that elite
group, but he completely shutout all of his Olympic opposition in 1972. One could consider him a “tenth-degree black
belt” in freestyle wrestling. Therefore,
I believe that Dan Gable would win 8 out of 10 wrestling matches with Chuck Norris. Given the fact that Dan Gable has lost 6
matches in his entire life, Norris should feel honored that he managed to put
such a dent in that column.
Record:
8-2 vs. Chuck Norris
4) Khutulun Mongol Wrestler
While Dan
Gable managed to have only 6 losses in his entire life and Chuck Norris lost 10
karate matches in his life time, there is one lady warrior one upped them
both. Her name was Khutulun, a female
descendent of Genghis Khan who never lost a match. Never.
Ever. EVER[2]. As she was from an important family, her
family had every intention of marrying her off.
Khutulun agreed, but on one condition: if Khutulun beat her suitor in a
wrestling match, her suitor would have to give her 100(sources say the horse
amount varied per suitor) horses, if the suitor won, she would marry him. She wrestled and fought for almost her entire
life, and by the end of her life, she had well over 10,000 horses. As she grew close to being past the time to
marry, her parents pleaded with her to marry.
Eventually she relented, but under two conditions: she would not wrestle
the man she married, and she would be allowed to make the decision entirely for
herself. So she married a man in her
father’s bodyguard, who was presumably the man she loved. Khutulun had died young, but by the end of
her life, she had an undefeated career of well over 100 wins, earned herself a
sizable army’s worth of horses and got to marry exactly the man she wanted by
effectively proposing to him. I can’t
think of a fuller life than that, personally.
Without
question, Khutulun was one of the best wrestlers in history. She would have a far greater amount of
grappling experience than Norris. She
came from a very martial culture in Mongolia, one that greatly valued the
ability to wrestle. While historical
records obviously do not tell us her physical build, we do know that the
average height and weight of a Mongolian female is 5’5” and 132 pounds. I think given her success against so many
wrestlers (Mongolian wrestling does not use weight classes), we could say that
she was at least slightly above average weight and height. So I’d say she’d be 5’8” and 170 pounds,
given her implicitly muscular build.
Khutulun’s credentials of a completely undefeated career easily surpass
even Norris’ impressive resume.
Mongolian wrestling yields many positives and negatives against
Norris. The main weakness is that
Mongolian wrestling involves more charging, sumo-like pushing than ground
work. As soon as any part of your body
but your foot touches the ground (unless it’s in the course of a takedown), you
lose. Against a Judo practitioner,
redirection of force would be a huge concern.
However, given the fact that no man has ever forced her off her feet
simply shows how unmovable she is. I
think Norris would win the first battle, perhaps one in the middle matches, due
to his skill at redirecting force and groundwork. However, Khutulun would simply be able to
bury Norris in points for every takedown she would get, and as she did nothing
but that throughout her career, it’s easy to say she could do this to even someone
as competent as Chuck Norris.
Record:
8-2 vs. Chuck Norris
3) Alexander the Great
If you were
to think of the greatest general in world history, who would you pick?[3] Well, even if you didn’t pick Alexander the
Great, the guy you just picked has a 90% chance of being inspired, studied by,
or modeled after Alexander the Great.
The Elvis of generals[4],
if you will. Given the fact that
Alexander the Great lived his entire life as a military man, it’s safe to say
that Alexander was very familiar with Greco-Roman style wrestling and an even
more sinister Ancient Greek martial art: Pankration. Pankration had two rules: No biting and no
gouging. And that’s it. Striking, purposeful bone breaking, choking,
and arm barring were all legal[5]. However, its main focus was to stay on one’s
feet. Alexander the Great also fought
people from the following countries: Sparta, Macedonia, Persia, Babylon, Egypt,
India and Afghanistan. So Alexander the
Great has about as much experience fighting other cultures and combat styles as
Norris. While Alexander lacked any
restraint from his Pankration, the lack of rules will also permit greater
creativity on his part. His height and
weight were 5’7” and 155 lbs, quite similar to Norris. However, Alexander’s expertise was not
unarmed combat, where as Norris dedicated his life to martial arts, even if
most of said martial arts applied to striking over grappling. Alexander, on the other hand, probably
focused all of his martial arts training on grappling. All of this said, I think both Norris and
Alexander would’ve won 5 fights each.
While Norris has more years’ experience, Alexander spent nearly every
moment of his life fighting and telling everyone else to fight.
Record:
5-5 vs. Chuck Norris
2) Kano Gigoro, the inventor of Judo
While very
few people have heard of Kano Gigoro, everyone has heard of the Japanese
grappling art of Judo. Gigoro was the
inventor of one of today’s most pervasive and effective martial arts[6]. But before he invented an entirely new
martial art, he gained expertise in the much older Japanese art of
Jujutsu. Jujutsu was designed by the
opponents of samurai, including ninjas, who discovered that direct striking did
not work well against armored opponents.
Samurai where also much more muscular, bulky and tall than most
non-samurai, and since most non-samurai didn’t have the weapons to compete with
the samurai, Jujutsu was designed to grapple, restrain and manipulate opponents
using their own movement and momentum.
Kano achieved mastery of Jujutsu in his early 30s, which is extremely
young for a black belt of multiple degrees.
Once he began to beat his master with consistency, he realized that the
only martial arts mountains left to climb were one’s he would make
himself. So he set out to create “The
Way of Harmony[7]”, or Judo. Judo was quickly adopted by Imperial Japanese
schools as one of their go-to martial arts (being less “striking” oriented),
and in 1960, Judo was adopted as an official event at the Summer Olympics.
Record:
9-1 vs. Chuck Norris
1) Harold Hardraada, 6’6” Viking King of Norway
Truth be
told, one of the guys on this list has held a significant edge in physicality
over Chuck Norris yet. Chuck Norris is
small for a fighter, but then again, so is Gigoro, Alexander, Khutulun and
Gable. As Chuck Norris has prove time and
time again, small fighters can be just as good as the big fighters.
But let’s
be real, being Hagrid-sized isn’t going to hurt either.
Such is the
case for the last true Viking king of Norway.
Historians say the Viking Age started with the raid at Lindisfarne in
793 and ended with King Harold’s death in 1066[8]. According to the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle,
Harold Hardraada was as tall as “seven feet of English ground”, which
translates to 6’6” in modern measurements.
Given the fact that this was the enemy’s records on Harold, we can
assume that this wasn’t too much of an exaggeration. Harold Hardraada, much like Khutulun and
Alexander, fought pretty much his whole life and fought against many different
cultures, including the Byzantines, Kievans, Danes and Sicilians. Even more impressive, he fought with most of
the above forces as well as against them.
Normally, experience against other cultures is counted in these fights,
but Harold likely learned just as much fighting besides other cultures as he
did fighting against them. I would
expect him to adjust fairly quickly against Norris. As for his style of wrestling, he likely
practiced something close to modern folk wrestling, and probably was familiar
with Greco-Roman wrestling from his time amongst the Byzantines[9]. While many claim that Eastern forms of
grappling such as Judo are superior, Kano Gigoro claimed that Judo is, in many
ways, a fusion of Western wrestling and Jiujitsu. So it would be unreasonable to say that this
would count against Harold.
Given his
superior weight, size, length of experience and exposure to other fighting
styles, I believe that Chuck Norris, one of the greatest martial artists who
ever lived, would only defeat Harold Hardrodda one time out of 10.
Record:
9-1 vs. Chuck Norris
Just as a
note of clarification, none of this is to say that Chuck Norris is a bad
fighter. I’d never say that[10]. This article merely exists to point out that
great martial artists have existed across time and across continents other than
Asia and modern North America. If we
want to see other countries in the Olympics compete in wrestling or judo, it is
important to break down the stereotype that only Asian countries and America
can compete in these events. I feel that
pointing out that all countries across history have borne equally devastating
unarmed fighters is a good way of emphasizing that point.
[1]
But seriously, just TRY to get them to tell a different joke. They won’t.
[2]
NEVER EVER EVER FOR NEVER EVER EVER!!!
[4]
Which I guess makes Genghis Khan the Beatles?
Attila the Hun is AC/DC? Jeez,
that’s a whole other article idea right there.
[5]
An ancient Greek walked into a bar.
Since the bar was an arm bar by a Pankration wrestler, the bar started
hitting him back. Like, a lot.
[6]
So I think that would mean he’s a black belt?
10th degree for inventing it?
[7]
Practitioners of Judo understand the idea of “way of harmony” much better than
the non-Judo masters who tend to end up face first in a bamboo-plank floor.
[8]
If an age in history ends with your death, then you know you’ve made an impact.
[9]
Freestyle wrestling is essentially the set of rules that allows both
Greco-Roman wrestling and Folk wrestling, making his skill set similar to Dan
Gable
[10]
If I had, Chuck Norris would’ve killed me before I even finished this sentenc
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